When many people think of domestic abuse, they call to mind images of physical violence– bruises and other visible signs of physical trauma.
Domestic violence accounts for 16% of all violent crime in England and Wales (Crime in England and Wales 04/05 report). Physical violence in abusive relationships often escalates, and can seriously impact on the survivor’s health in both the long and short term, and in a worst case scenario, can lead to their death. On average, two women per week and 30 men per year are murdered by former partners.
To some extent, our vision of accurate. It’s a sad reality that physical violence against women, and intimate partner violence regardless of gender, are very real and urgent problems.
That’s not the whole story, though.
Abuse can take a whole range of forms, all of which are incredibly damaging to the survivor– often for years after their abuse stops. It’s key to remember that a person doesn’t need to be physically injured to be hurt.
In many abusive relationships, no physical violence will take place. Instead, the perpetrator will control and intimidate the survivor by other means.
These non-physical means fall broadly into three categories.
- Aggressive: which includes name-calling, belittling, blaming, accusing, yelling, screaming, making threats, degrading insults or destructive criticism.
- Denying: this includes sulking, manipulation, neglecting, not listening, withholding affection and distorting the other’s experience.
- Minimising: this can include belittling the effect of something, isolating, accusations of exaggerating or inventing and offering solutions or ‘advice’.
A perpetrator may make us of some or all of the above behaviours.
Put simply, psychological or emotional abuse lets one person gain power and control over another through words and gestures which undermine the other’s self respect over time.
Psychological abuse can be difficult to identify, as there are no visible scars or marks, and the torment can continue indefinitely. The very nature of psychological abuse means it can damage a person’s confidence so that they feel worthless and find it hard to make or keep other relationships. Feelings of shame mean survivors may not feel able to share what they are experiencing.
So that image that people often conjure up when they think about ‘abuse’ doesn’t tell the whole story.
Our understanding of domestic violence must include the reality of life for all survivors, as well as a knowledge of how survivors’ experiences affect them as they leave abusive relationships and take steps towards recovery.